


This Is Not How I Really Am (but I keep getting further away)

by thanku4urlove



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Character Study, Crying, Gen, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, it's more likely than you think, me? writing one offs about random svt members comforting each other?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:13:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25216051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thanku4urlove/pseuds/thanku4urlove
Summary: It was unfair for Seungkwan to feel like this, and he knew it, but sometimes it happened anyway. The members were busy, and they were tired, and it was late. He already knew that they cared for him, already knew that they loved him, but sometimes he just needed to hear it. Just needed to feel it. He wished there were some socially acceptable way to say "I just need a little extra love today" without Seungcheol getting worried about him.After his livestream, Seungkwan needs a hug.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan & Lee Chan | Dino
Comments: 12
Kudos: 113





	This Is Not How I Really Am (but I keep getting further away)

**Author's Note:**

> I watched Seungkwan's entire three hour vlive, got Too Many Feelings, cried a little, and then wrote this at like 1 am. The title is from To My Youth by Bolbbalgan4, a song that Seungkwan sang during the livestream that I have ended up completely falling in love with. All of the dialogue that is said during the livestream in the fic is lifted directly from said vlive, starting at the 2 hour mark.

"I think I'll feel a little empty if I turn this off. I'm going to feel a little empty today." 

Seungkwan had been livestreaming now for two hours, and it was just shy of midnight. He knew that he should hang up, that there were a good amount of Carats that were only awake because they knew he was here; they were curled up under their blankets, their burning eyes squinting at their phone screens, probably just waiting for him to stop. But he was afraid. He was afraid of the idea of trying to go to sleep tonight. 

"Aren't any members watching VLIVE?" It was past midnight. Usually, if someone was out past midnight and it wasn't for a schedule Seungkwan would call them, would check on them, would make sure they were okay. Even if it was for a schedule, he would usually send them a text, would usually keep his phone close and fight off sleep until he got a response. "If you're watching VLIVE, please contact me. Members. I might call you." 

He'd told them that he wouldn't be using his phone for this broadcast, so they could contact him and it wouldn't mess anything up. He'd said he didn't know how long he'd be practicing, but that it probably wasn't going to be too long. Two hours was a long time to be on VLIVE, right?

He tried to refocus on old songs, on playing them and talking about them, but some fans--because they would, of course they would--seemed to notice that something was off. And once one person asked him if he was okay, the chat was flooded with it. Seungkwan tried to ignore it, and only lasted about five minutes. 

"No, I'm fine. The members might be having their own time, or they might be sleeping, too. I'm not upset at the fact that they're not calling. It's okay." 

The words sounded hollow, even to his own ears. They were true though, he tried to tell himself. The members might be having their own time. They might be sleeping. It was okay. It needed to be okay, because otherwise, it was unfair. 

It was unfair for Seungkwan to feel like this, and he knew it, but sometimes it happened anyway. The members were busy, and they were tired, and it was late. He already knew that they cared for him, already knew that they loved him, but sometimes he just needed to hear it. Just needed to feel it. 

He wished there were some socially acceptable way to say "I just need a little extra love today" without Seungcheol getting worried about him. 

"I am going to hang up when a member calls. I'll end it then. I'm sure that a member will call." 

It was after midnight. Someone had to call him eventually. Until then, Seungkwan didn't want to be alone. 

It was fun, genuinely, to listen to all of these old songs, to feel the memories of their trainee days, when they were all running towards the same goal, were doing things together, when more than anything, they felt like a bunch of friends working on some crazy group project. Now he was older, and emotions were harder, and things were more complicated. At least Seokmin could still make him laugh, Seungkwan thought, another old story about Seokmin coming to mind. He'd already shared a couple of them with fans tonight. 

Listening to the old songs also felt like hiding though, just a bit, because the second that they were over, the room felt too quiet. Seungkwan looked at the chat again. 

"Me? I don't know what mental state I'm in right now." 

It had been twenty minutes. No one had called him. Maybe they'd all fallen asleep. They'd all forgotten he'd gone out, and they'd all fallen asleep without him. But that was okay. That had to be okay, because he hadn't said anything to them. He hadn't said he wanted to talk. Hadn't said he needed a hug. So it had to be okay, because otherwise it wasn't fair. 

"You can leave if you're tired." He told fans, seeing a couple of comments about being sleepy, about how late it was. "I'm being serious." 

Maybe, they all would leave. That would force him to hang up, would force him to stop the livestream and to stop acting like a child and to just go home. To just walk through the dorm in the dark and get into bed. He would feel better in the morning. He hoped he'd feel better in the morning. He usually did. 

His phone was completely devoid of messages. 

"The members are not calling me." Seungkwan bit at his lips, trying hard to keep the corners of his mouth turning down, but knowing that he'd failed. Carats were tired. He should stop the livestream. "You can go to sleep if you're tired. It's really okay!" 

He'd just told a story about Seokmin. That was a better thing to focus on. That was what the fans wanted to hear about, and Seokmin was funny, and Seungkwan really did love him. Why wasn't Seokmin calling him?

Just a minute later, comments popped up in the chat, fans saying that they'd seen Dino leaving comments. Seungkwan never saw any of Chan's comments though, not then and not ten minutes later, when fans reported that he'd shown up again. 

"Dino, give me a call. Are the members sleeping?" 

Seconds ticked by, and his phone stayed silent. Giving up completely, Seungkwan facetimed Seokmin. Seokmin answered instantly, and complimented him on the cover he'd sung of Lee Juck's  _ Laundry,  _ but the warmth of the praise faded at the idea that Seokmin had been watching the livestream all this time and hadn't even texted him. He'd asked the members to contact him, so he figured he was allowed to be upset about that. 

"How can I call when I'm watching VLIVE?" Seokmin asked. That was a stupid excuse. 

"No." 

"I didn't call because I thought you were using your phone." Seokmin explained, open and honest, and some small part of Seungkwan wanted to cry. 

"I told you that I wasn't but you forgot, right? I told everyone that they could call. And that it's okay to call me." 

"I forgot." 

Sometimes, Seungkwan felt that his words just acted as background noise. He knew that part of it was his fault, and that simply tuning him out came from all of the nagging that he would do. It didn't feel good though, to have that feeling confirmed. 

Seokmin told him not to stay too late, but Seungkwan had promised to end the livestream once he'd spoken to someone, so he knew that he had to hang up now. At least he knew Seokmin was awake. And Chan, if the chat was to be believed. He wouldn't be returning to a silent dorm. 

SHINee's  _ Juliette _ was the last song he played, thinking back again to trainee days, when they'd tried to learn this song. It had been so hard, and he still remembered Jeonghan's tears of frustration, watching his friend break down over it, just sit on the floor and cry, getting up and wiping at his face before trying the dance again. It wasn't quite as sharp in his memory, but he was pretty sure that he'd cried too. God, maybe he just needed to cry. He could hug Seokmin--Seokmin would let him hug him--and he could cry. He began preparing to end the stream. 

"I think that there are people that feel better, and there are people that lost energy because of me, too... Please understand." Seungkwan didn't want to start crying until he got home, though. He didn't want fans to worry about him, not when they didn't need to. He didn't want anyone wasting their energy like that. "I think I'll be able to sleep well tonight. I'm going to go." 

When he got home though, all the lights were off. Seungkwan had stayed a bit, had cleaned up the practice room before traveling home, and Seokmin was already in his bedroom. It felt pathetic, going into his room just to ask for some comfort. He knew that he could, that Soonyoung would do it sometimes and that Seokmin wouldn’t mind, but still. It wasn't something that he himself did. If he did it, it would be weird. It would be cause for concern. Seungkwan didn't want anyone to be concerned. 

With the first part of his plan failed, he knew that crying would just feel pathetic, swallowing back the lump in his throat as he washed up to go to sleep. The lights were off in his bedroom too, but Seungkwan was surprised to see Chan lying in the bottom bunk, the brightness of his phone screen lighting up his face. Perhaps he had watched the livestream after all. 

Seungkwan just stood there, not realizing how roughly he was breathing, and not realizing how loud it was in the silence until Chan spoke. 

“Are you okay?”

“I--” 

Seungkwan cut himself off, startled into silence by how strangled his voice sounded. 

“...Seungkwan?” Chan put his phone down. The words left Seungkwan in a rush, like an exhale, hard to force past the lump in his throat that was threatening to suffocate him. 

“I just want a hug.”

Chan was off his bed in an instant, miraculously not tripping over anything in the darkness of their messy bedroom, his strong arms around Seungkwan, pulling him so tightly against his chest that Seungkwan felt something inside of him crack. But it felt more like relief than hurt, and the next thing he knew, he was crying into Chan’s shoulder. 

Chan didn’t let up, didn’t loosen his hold, swaying slightly on the spot and lightly stroking Seungkwan’s back. 

“I’m sorry.” Seungkwan murmured. “I’m sorry, I--”

Chan shushed him. The sound was gentle, one of his hands reaching up to pet Seungkwan’s hair. 

“You’re not supposed to do that, remember?” Chan told him, and Seungkwan did remember. He wasn’t supposed to apologize for things that weren’t his fault. This was his fault though, was his fault entirely. His fault for getting this worked up; his fault for crying over nothing. Everything was supposed to be fine. Everything  _ was  _ fine. Objectively, his day had been perfectly normal. He shouldn’t feel like this, but he did. 

“Did something happen?” Chan asked, his voice quiet. 

“No.” Seungkwan said. He sounded embarrassingly watery, and he hated it. “No, I just--I just felt like this, this morning. I’ve felt like this all day.” 

Chan didn’t press further, didn’t accuse him of lying or ask for a better explanation. He just stepped back, completely pulling the comforter off of his own bed. 

“What are you doing?” Seungkwan asked, but Chan was too busy getting himself situated on Seungkwan’s twin mattress to answer. He looked up at Seungkwan, his head on Seungkwan’s pillow. 

“You always hog the blankets.” He said. “This way, you have your blanket and I have mine. Now get in bed.”

Seungkwan did. Chan curled close as soon as he was laying down, slinging an arm across Seungkwan’s chest, pressing his forehead into Seungkwan’s shoulder. All at once Seungkwan wanted to cry again, but from gratitude this time, his breath hitching in his chest. Chan hushed him again, soft and soothing. 

“It’s okay.” He murmured. 

_ I just need a little extra love today.  _

Maybe next time, Seungkwan would simply ask. 


End file.
